Discussion Board
Parents Who Regret
Lance's Story
Above is a post by Brooke, a mother to two boys. She circumcised her first son and kept her second son whole. This is the story of how she was guilted into circumcising her first son, and how the circumcision quickly turned downhill.
Miriam
"I will die hearing my baby's screams."
Marilyn
"I'm sobbing. The baby's screaming. The doctor's cutting. There's blood everywhere. And the doctor looked into my face and said, 'There's no medical reason for doing this.'"
Rosemary
"I was never to see those beautiful, mystic, Leboyer newborn-baby smiles again."
Char Lene
"I always look at it this way: If one son had an accident and had to have his leg amputated, or was born without a leg, would you amputate the second son's leg in the spirit of 'fairness'? Another thought: we never parent all of our children the same way. We learn every day and utilize what we learn as we go. Generally our youngest child benefits more from the experience gleaned parenting his/her siblings. It can't be helped....it is called growing as parents. The others will have benefited in other ways by the youthfulness/energy his/her parents had. "
Heather
"I had my first son circumcised almost 7 years ago, and it's the decision I most regret making. Since then I've had a daughter and another son, both of whom are intact. I wouldn't cut my daughter's genitals, so why would I cut my son? I learned during my last pregnancy the risks of cutting and watched a video of one being done - that sealed the deal for me to become an intactivist and try to stop this horrific procedure"
Lindsay
"TO my oldest son,
Do you know that your father and I tried to conceive for almost a year and had no luck? When I did got pregnant with you, I was so happy. Word can not even explain it. I was so careful during my pregnancy, maybe even overly so. I researched many aspects of having a child, but one aspect fell threw the cracks. We didn’t know if you were going to be a boy or a girl. By the way I “knew” you were going to be a girl. Seems silly now, I know. At the hospital I filled out all the paperwork and one was for circumcision and I am ashamed to admit it, but your father and I didn’t think anything of this at the time. We thought of a few things a little before though…one being every male is pretty much circumcised. Two That there were health benefits(reduced infections and diseases) . Three, no doctor would perform this unless it was a needed preventative measure. I have made many mistakes in my life and none I would really change, but this one I would. I would take that consent form and rip it to shreds. I sadly admit I didn’t read the fine print and it was kind of confusing, but again, I just went to number 1,2,3 and sign away I did. I birthed you and held you close to my chest after your birth. I was in shock you were a boy. Later the next day after lots of snuggles, I handed you over to the doctor for your circumcision with no apprehension at all. Frankly I think because I was brainwashed and like the saying goes “ignorance is bliss”. You were gone awhile and when you came back to the room you seemed “ok”. I changed your bloody diaper, but again I figured this was a means to an end. This would protect you. We took care of your penis exactly as we were suppose to. Always pulling down the remaining skin and using lots of Vaseline. It wasn’t until check ups when the doctors had to detach your skin that was reattaching that I was sent into my first shock. You screamed a horrid horrid scream and you bled. One time I took you over to your grandparents, so you grandmother can attest to the sight we saw in your diaper…quite a bit of blood. More than a little. I almost took you to the doctor and maybe I should have, but the doctor said a little bleeding was fine. I think he should have been more specific, because looking back it was more than a little. We dealt with these reattachments for a while. When you were maybe 9 months I met some mothers who were intactivst and did NOT believe in circumcision. One actually said that the procedure was one of insanity. I took great offense to this. How dare she…I was protecting you, not harming you. I defended circumcision for months after that…until one day I sat down and really dug into research. I cried and I cried. These “crazy” intactivst were right. I was shocked, absolutely shocked to find out the AAP doesn’t recommend routine infant circumcision. They said the potential benefits(so not guaranteed) DID NOT outweigh the risks. These so called benefits that are acknoweldged by some, are preventable and treatable in other less invasive ways anyway. WHAT? Why are doctors performing this surgery then.? All other surgery on children the opposite is true. The benefits outweigh the risks. I was shocked to find out that in many other countries circumcision is just not done(except sometimes for religious reasons). In Europe the Circumcision rate is almost nil. What, again! Then I read about the little boys that died from this surgery. DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess even though I knew it was a surgery, I didn’t view it really as a surgery. If that makes any sense. So, I knew after all this, that no other boys would be circumcised. So now came the hard part, convincing your dad. Although, to be fair, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. Maybe it would have been if you DID NOT have complications, but since you did, he agreed after a few discussions. I did have apprension about saving your brother…I mean I knew no matter what we would NOT circumcise him, but I didn’t want you to think we cared more about your brother. He kind of just got the luck of the draw being the youngest. I know that sucks and isn’t a good enough reason FOR you, but it is what I have. I want you to know though, that in protecting your brother, I was also apologizing to you . I was saying, I do this for him, but I do it for you too. Maybe that won’t make sense to you, but it did in my head. I loved him enough and you enough to save him. I will regret that I didn’t save you and didn’t look into this matter more closely. I am hoping you will forgive me and knowing your nature you will. I have protected a few other babies from circumcision as well. Those babies are for you too. I do this in your honor. Of course I do this for them, but you are always in my mind when I handle this delicate subject.
Love,
Mom"
Do you know that your father and I tried to conceive for almost a year and had no luck? When I did got pregnant with you, I was so happy. Word can not even explain it. I was so careful during my pregnancy, maybe even overly so. I researched many aspects of having a child, but one aspect fell threw the cracks. We didn’t know if you were going to be a boy or a girl. By the way I “knew” you were going to be a girl. Seems silly now, I know. At the hospital I filled out all the paperwork and one was for circumcision and I am ashamed to admit it, but your father and I didn’t think anything of this at the time. We thought of a few things a little before though…one being every male is pretty much circumcised. Two That there were health benefits(reduced infections and diseases) . Three, no doctor would perform this unless it was a needed preventative measure. I have made many mistakes in my life and none I would really change, but this one I would. I would take that consent form and rip it to shreds. I sadly admit I didn’t read the fine print and it was kind of confusing, but again, I just went to number 1,2,3 and sign away I did. I birthed you and held you close to my chest after your birth. I was in shock you were a boy. Later the next day after lots of snuggles, I handed you over to the doctor for your circumcision with no apprehension at all. Frankly I think because I was brainwashed and like the saying goes “ignorance is bliss”. You were gone awhile and when you came back to the room you seemed “ok”. I changed your bloody diaper, but again I figured this was a means to an end. This would protect you. We took care of your penis exactly as we were suppose to. Always pulling down the remaining skin and using lots of Vaseline. It wasn’t until check ups when the doctors had to detach your skin that was reattaching that I was sent into my first shock. You screamed a horrid horrid scream and you bled. One time I took you over to your grandparents, so you grandmother can attest to the sight we saw in your diaper…quite a bit of blood. More than a little. I almost took you to the doctor and maybe I should have, but the doctor said a little bleeding was fine. I think he should have been more specific, because looking back it was more than a little. We dealt with these reattachments for a while. When you were maybe 9 months I met some mothers who were intactivst and did NOT believe in circumcision. One actually said that the procedure was one of insanity. I took great offense to this. How dare she…I was protecting you, not harming you. I defended circumcision for months after that…until one day I sat down and really dug into research. I cried and I cried. These “crazy” intactivst were right. I was shocked, absolutely shocked to find out the AAP doesn’t recommend routine infant circumcision. They said the potential benefits(so not guaranteed) DID NOT outweigh the risks. These so called benefits that are acknoweldged by some, are preventable and treatable in other less invasive ways anyway. WHAT? Why are doctors performing this surgery then.? All other surgery on children the opposite is true. The benefits outweigh the risks. I was shocked to find out that in many other countries circumcision is just not done(except sometimes for religious reasons). In Europe the Circumcision rate is almost nil. What, again! Then I read about the little boys that died from this surgery. DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess even though I knew it was a surgery, I didn’t view it really as a surgery. If that makes any sense. So, I knew after all this, that no other boys would be circumcised. So now came the hard part, convincing your dad. Although, to be fair, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. Maybe it would have been if you DID NOT have complications, but since you did, he agreed after a few discussions. I did have apprension about saving your brother…I mean I knew no matter what we would NOT circumcise him, but I didn’t want you to think we cared more about your brother. He kind of just got the luck of the draw being the youngest. I know that sucks and isn’t a good enough reason FOR you, but it is what I have. I want you to know though, that in protecting your brother, I was also apologizing to you . I was saying, I do this for him, but I do it for you too. Maybe that won’t make sense to you, but it did in my head. I loved him enough and you enough to save him. I will regret that I didn’t save you and didn’t look into this matter more closely. I am hoping you will forgive me and knowing your nature you will. I have protected a few other babies from circumcision as well. Those babies are for you too. I do this in your honor. Of course I do this for them, but you are always in my mind when I handle this delicate subject.
Love,
Mom"
Amanda
"I feel redeemed through my 2nd son. With my first I knew I didn't want to circumcise him, but I didn't really know why. I had done some research, but it wasn't enough to keep me from saying no when he was born. Everything inside me screamed no, yet I handed my baby over. When he was returned to me, I felt disconnected from him and it took me about a year to properly bond with him. 2 years later I was pregnant again. I wanted a girl so I didn't have to deal with the circumcision thing. When I found out it was a boy I was scared. The father of the baby asked me if I was going to get him circumcised. I told him I needed to do more research. I did that research, which included watching a video of a baby being circumcised. That video changed me. I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I went to my 1st son where he was sleeping in the bed and I laid down with him, held him and cried. There's nothing that can change what I allowed him to go through and the guilt I felt from that overwhelmed me. It took me several years after that to really come to grips with what I allowed to take place. My 2nd son was born and from the moment they hooked me up to the monitors I was ready to defend his foreskin. There was one nurse there who seemed very happy that I was going to leave him intact! I lived in another state then the father, so when I had him I was alone in the hospital (my mom was there for the birth). I only let him out of my room once and I let every single nurse know that I did NOT want him circumcised! There was a clipboard on his cradle that said in very large letters NO CIRC. I brought my perfect, intact baby boy home and he just turned 4 years old! I plan on explaining to him (when he's way older) why I left him intact and somehow I'll explain to my older son what I did to him and apologize. I don't like to think about that day because I start to cry and get scared. I just try to get through one day at a time and I thank God for the knowledge I had to spare my younger son from RIC."
Marilyn
"I have a 6 (will be 7 in December) year old son. He is circ'd. I had him 2 weeks after my 21 birthday. I thought I was doing everything right. I read the books, you know? I had never known any male that WASN'T circ'd....
I feel like I wasn't given informed consent or options... I did not have internet at the time. Smart phones were not around. I thought circ'ing was something I HAD to do. I remember the Dr. coming in and saying, "ok, it's time to go do the circ." he told me it would be quick and painless. The nurse took him from me. Me. I took my perfect boy from my breast and handed him to strangers that I was allowing to CUT him; to AMPUTATE a part of his beautiful, perfect body. I felt apprehensive, nervous. No one told me the risks. No one walked me through the procedure. It was simply, "ok, it is being done, here is a care instruction sheet." i don't remember signing anything, and neither does his dad. Where I delivered, we were given coies of everything, from admission to epidural to discharge. I still have it all in a folder. I have searched, page by page, and have found nothing that I gave written consent to regarding his circ. Not that it matters. The damage is done.
I hope he forgives me some day."
I feel like I wasn't given informed consent or options... I did not have internet at the time. Smart phones were not around. I thought circ'ing was something I HAD to do. I remember the Dr. coming in and saying, "ok, it's time to go do the circ." he told me it would be quick and painless. The nurse took him from me. Me. I took my perfect boy from my breast and handed him to strangers that I was allowing to CUT him; to AMPUTATE a part of his beautiful, perfect body. I felt apprehensive, nervous. No one told me the risks. No one walked me through the procedure. It was simply, "ok, it is being done, here is a care instruction sheet." i don't remember signing anything, and neither does his dad. Where I delivered, we were given coies of everything, from admission to epidural to discharge. I still have it all in a folder. I have searched, page by page, and have found nothing that I gave written consent to regarding his circ. Not that it matters. The damage is done.
I hope he forgives me some day."
